Thoughts on 5 Films

1. House of Gucci - This is not nearly as campy as I was led to believe. In fact, it's quite dull and boring. And so very long. But first, let me go on a slight tangent about Lady Gaga. I've never been the biggest fan of her music, but I don't mind her as an actress - I thought she did a decent job in A Star is Born and "Is That Alright?" is probably my favorite song released in the last decade. But I do remember when she was first becoming famous, I had a friend who was friends with her roommate when she was at NYU, and called her a bully and said that she made fun of everyone. She also often talks about her family being "working class", which is true, but she, herself, grew up very wealthy (she grew up on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and went to private school. Wealthy.). And it always really irks me when rich people pretend like they've lived anything other than a life of privilege. I guess my point is that I'm wary of her - she's very performative and seems like a good person, but I don't think that translates to reality. Anyway, back to the movie! I don't really have anything good to say about it. I'm racking my brain for something that I liked, but it's just all bad. There's a GREAT story to tell here, but this isn't it. They just focus on really boring shit for 2 full hours. The performances are atrocious. I don't understand the prosthetics on Jared Leto, because he still looks nothing like the real Paolo, so what's the point of it? Why not just hire someone who looks more like him and is closer in age? I can appreciate a transformation, but this just seems pointless. The chemistry between Lady Gaga and Adam Driver is non-existent (and was that sex scene supposed to be...sexy?? Because I cringed. Like, ew.). On another note, Camille Cottin is becoming a bit of a thing, huh? She was in Killing Eve and I just watched her in Stillwater a few weeks ago and now this. Interesting. I think I like her. 

2. The Protégé - This was a really big disappointment for me - it seemed like something right up my alley. But there's no plot. It's very well made, from an obviously talented director (Martin Campbell), a strong lead performance from Maggie Q (who should be a much bigger star!), and a fun supporting cast of Samuel L Jackson and Michael Keaton. But 25 minutes in and I was still waiting for the story to start. It's basically just a simple revenge story, with nothing deeper (you'll expect something deeper, but it just never happens). There are a few really great action sequences (I like when she electrocutes the "bad guys" and then they start shooting their guns all over while they are being electrocuted. I laughed.) and some brutal torture scenes. But it's also very, very dumb - like how she's tortured (like, really tortured. Waterboarded even!) and then a few scenes later she doesn't have a bruise or scratch on her. How much time has gone by?? We'll never know. Also, *spoiler* OBVIOUSLY, Sam Jackson is not dead. He's not going to sign onto a movie like this to just appear in the first 10 minutes. OBVIOUSLY. 

3. Downton Abbey: A New Era - Weirdly, I think this is the most I've enjoyed anything Downton Abbey related...ever? Far more entertaining than the previous movie and certainly not as slow-moving as the series. It's probably because there is actually something interesting happening in the house - it's being used as a film location! So it's basically a movie about making a movie! Hollywood comes to Downton! What fun! Although, I love that they make fun of the movie-making process (my favorite line "filming must be the slowest occupation known to man". Soooooo true. I know people believe it's really glamorous and cool to be on a film set, but I promise you, it is the most bored I've ever been in my entire life). It also feels like there is more of a plot that moves several stories forward, instead of the last movie that was just about one specific event being held. **spoiler** While I'm upset at the death of the best character, I do think it was time. And they did it really well (her last line - absolutely hilarious and perfect). Overall, I think they did a really good job with this. Although, Lily James is still not in this one, which is super annoying (and yet, Dominic West is!?! What the fuck!). 

4. Sonic the Hedgehog 2 - What the fuck is this? This is what I was expecting from the first movie, but I was actually surprised at how fucking funny the first one is. This one, though, is really hard to watch. Didn't laugh once. NOT ONCE! And I was in the mood for a dumb comedy, so I'm not sure what went wrong with this. It just all came off as very obnoxious. And long. So very long. And also...very predictable. I'm sure it's not supposed to be a movie with a big twist or anything, but the foreshadowing of the rings is done really poorly. I don't think the live cast is in it enough, which is definitely a big part of the problem - I loved both Jim Carrey's over-the-top villain and James Marsden's charm in the first one. They both feel like an afterthought in this. I do love Idris Elba's voice, so at least that's a win. Other than that, this movie is really painful. Still somehow not even in my worst films of the year, though (I've watched a lot of crap. Surprise, surprise!). 

5. Persuasion (2022) - When I first started to see reviews (and memes...) for this, I assumed people were being unnecessarily harsh. People seemed really offended that they updated Jane Austen's words to make them more modern and relevant (something that is done with Shakespeare all the time, and is usually super cool!). I didn't realize that there are so many Jane Austen purists in the world, but get a grip guys. I've said it before, but Austen novels are not really my thing (I think the only ones I've even read are Sense & Sensibility and Emma) and I definitely don't care if they dumb-down the dialogue for a general audience. However, after watching the movie, I have to admit, it's really bad. The dialogue, though, is not the worst part. I think the most glaring problem is the casting. I did see multiple people comment about how Dakota Johnson doesn't fit the role (someone noted that she has a face of someone who knows what a cellphone is or something like that, which is hilarious and TRUE). I love her, but she is not good here. And she does have a modernity to her look that makes her feel out of place in this. Also, the woman who plays Mary, is awful. Obviously her character is awful too - just completely insufferable with no redeeming qualities, but there is a way to play that type of character that isn't this cringeworthy. And this is more of a personal gripe, but she's SO SHORT - it's so distracting. She's 5ft tall (yes, I was so bored that I looked it up), and compared to everyone else at normal height she looks like a child next to everyone. Now this may seem like a harsh criticism, but I AM ONLY 5ft TALL TOO! I am tiny. Most people tell me that that I don't seem that short (I have very long limbs - like I can reach higher than someone who is 5'4", and I wear very loud clothing which I think makes my presence known LOL), but when I take group pictures with normal heighted people I stand out and everyone is always like "oh my God you're so tiny"! Anyway, I find her height visually distracting. And if you think that's an unnecessary and harsh criticism, I'm not even done yet - the main love interest guy is NOT hot. Like at all. And the fact that she chooses him over HENRY GOLDING is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. Golding doesn't even show up until a whole hour into the movie! What the fuck is up with that?? They should have switched roles. That would have made much more sense. Okay, I think I'm done being mean now. Oh wait, the costumes look very cheap too. Okay now I'm done. Promise.