Thoughts on 5 Films

1. J. Edgar - It's widely agreed that the makeup is offensive, so I won't even focus on it.  Instead, I will focus on the story, which I felt was incredibly disappointing.  I rarely enjoy biopic films - there are a few exceptions, Milk being one of them.  I was hoping that since Dustin Lance Black was writing the screenplay, I would have another exception.  Unfortunately, the film was very unfocused, confusing and cluttered.  In between all of the history, there is a story of a conflicted man that was never fully developed. As the film came to an end, I realized that the only information that stuck in my head was that J. Edgar was an insecure liar.  I doubt that was the intent (or was it?).  Also, Leo = Fantastic.

 

Don't be Afraid of the Dark - A really shitty horror film.  I kind of new it would be, but I thought since Guillermo del Torro co-wrote it, there would at least be some original content.  It turned out to be a standard horror tale: dysfunctional family moves into a old, haunted mansion and they come to find out the mansion has a dark history.  There were no scares (unless the sound of whispering voices scares you), no interesting dynamic between the characters and very little imagination. 

3. Captain America: The First Avenger - The film starts off promising, but just went nowhere.  It was a perfectly fine superhero film, but it never attempts to push the envelope.  It felt almost like an afterthought as a way to introduce the character.  I was hoping to be swept away by Chris Evans but he bored me to death (still fucking sexy, though).  Hayley Atwell was a misfire, which was not totally her fault - the character was just plain bland and her dialogue was awful.  The only part of the film, where I felt my eyes widen with excitement was the end scene in Times Square.  Even though I saw it coming, it was perfectly executed. 

4. Tyrannosaur - This is one of those rare times when I wish I knew more about the movie, before I started watching it.  I wasn't prepared.  I tend to like films that people would consider "tough to watch", but I admit after the first few minutes, I felt sick.  I paused it, took a few deep breaths, then continued.  I had to do this 2 more times during the movie.  *slight spoilers ahead* Domestic abuse is a sensitive topic for me and honestly, if I knew that was part of the film, I would have avoided it.  As soon as I realized it, I actually yelled out "FUCK!" (Paused the film, took a few deep breaths, continued watching it; I was too invested to stop).  There is a point about 1/2 way through where I knew exactly how the last 20 minutes would play out (I was on point, 100%), which for a film like this isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I tried not to focus on the plot but instead on the relationship between these two lost souls, which was absolutely breathtaking.  The acting was impeccable.  Oscar nominations all around. Oh wait.....nothing? Really?

 

5. A Dangerous Method - I have never been disappointed in a Cronenberg film.  Never, ever.  I've loved everything from The Fly to Eastern Promises and everything in between, especially my favorite Cronenberg film....wait for it....eXistenZ.  And really, to be completely honest, my personal favorite thing Cronenberg has ever done was his brief, but memorable guest spot on Alias as Dr. Brezzel.  Fucking genius.  Anyway, A Dangerous Method is definitely the worst of his films and to say that I was disappointed would be an understatement.  More like horrified.  Never mind the bland performances from otherwise talented guys, Michael Fassbender and Viggo Mortensen as Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud, respectively.  I can't even comprehend Keira Knightley's attempt at Sabina Spielrein.  I read a few reviews of the film (after I watched it), some describe Kiera's performance as "astonishing", while others declared it "embarrassing".  I would say it's so embarrassing that it became quite astonishing.  I would put it right up there with the worst acting performances of all time (squished right between Mark Wahlberg in The Happening and Zooey Deschanel in The Happening).  The film is heavy on the dialogue, heavy on the history of psychoanalysis and mostly heavy on repetitive nonsense. 

3 Thoughts on 21 Jump Street

1. It had some moments of greatness, but is overall disappointing - I was probably one of the few people that actually thought this film would be decent.  I vaguely remember watching the original show as a kid; I wasn't exactly a fan but I found it mindlessly entertaining.  I was excited about the casting of Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum (plus the hilarious, Dave Franco!).  The trailer was really fun and action-packed.  The fact that I assumed it was going to be good is probably the reason that I was one of the few people who found it disappointing.  It was consistently funny but I would argue that it was a bit too consistent (and it just kept repeating the same gags over and over and over...).  Jonah and Channing have perfect chemistry, but the whole "bromance" theme was overdone and just plain stupid. 

2. "Fuck you, Glee" - So the concept of having adults go "back to school" and experience life as a teenager again is obviously not new, but this is the first film that acknowledges the fact that high school isn't like it used to be.  While most films declare the cool kids to be the jocks and the cheerleaders while the smart kids are the losers, this film blurs the line which makes it very confusing for our 2 back-to-schoolers.  Jenko (Tatum), used to be the popular, dumb jock and Schmidt (Hill) used to be the nerdy, loser geek but they find their roles reversed in a post-Glee world.  This was probably the best executed concept of the film.

3. Channing Tatum found his audience - I think everyone expected to trash his performance, like they do with every one of his movies.  The first film I've ever seen him in was, A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints (a film that I absolutely adore). I think that is the reason I never saw the hatred towards him justified.  He's obviously talented; even with those awful Step Up films you can't deny the guy has talent.  I thought, maybe, he was misguided in his film choices, but in retrospect, his choices are sort of genius because he has won over the female audience with sappy, romantic films like Dear John and The Vow and now he has won over the male audience with this film; looks like he's ready to take over the world. 

Summer Movie Preview: 13 Films That I Am Excited About

1. The Avengers 5/4 – Aside from Iron Man, I have to admit that I am not the biggest fan of the films that lead up to The Avengers.  The rest of them are ok, but far from spectacular.  So, why am I excited about it then??  Well, since I did enjoy Iron Man,  I am simply hopeful for the same amount of awesomeness.  I was disappointed with the casting of Thor and Captain America (Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans – pretty but booooring) and the casting of Hulk proved problematic so I am looking forward to some new faces; especially Jeremy Renner (more on my love for him later).  I like the idea of all these loner superhero’s forced to work together.  Plus, the trailer is fantastic.  But really the biggest reason for my excitement is: Joss Whedon - I would follow him to the ends of the earth. 

2. Girl in Progress 5/11 – I think I can safely say that I will be bawling hysterically through this entire film.  As the product of an unwanted teen pregnancy, growing up with a single mother whose idea of taking care of a child was to leave the cereal within reach, I obviously can relate to the story (the trailer is disturbingly accurate).  I’m sure my thoughts on the film will be incredibly personal, which is refreshing because I often find it hard to relate to “coming of age” tales.  I’m sure that my biggest frustration will be that I didn’t write it first!!!  


3. Prometheus 6/8 – If you’ve seen the trailer, then you understand my excitement.  It’s FUCKING AWESOME.  Also, the 3D trailer played before Titanic 3D and it looked even more awesome!! I can’t believe I am saying it but I think I might actually opt for the 3D version.  Hopefully, the headache will be worth it this time. 


4. Brave 6/22 – Pixar’s first feature with a female lead!! Blah blah blah.  I want to see it for Kelly Macdonald.  Huge girl crush alert.  I could just listen to her talk all day long. 


5. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter 6/22 – It looks totally fucking ridiculous, but I still need to see it out of pure curiosity.  I’ve never read the book but am tempted to buy it every time I see it.  It’s kind of a genius concept, it’s just also a really insane concept.  Plus, I am generally a huge fan vampire tales (aside from the Twilight films). 


6. To Rome with Love 6/22 – Obviously.


7. The Amazing Spider-Man 7/3 – Ok, so I was one of those people who was super pissed off that some idiot decided to reboot the Spider-Man franchise so soon.  Although, I do realize that after the monstrosity of Spider-Man 3 something, clearly, had to be done.  My interest started to peak a bit when Marc Webb was announced as the director because of how random and unlikely that choice was.  Then, I got super pissed again when Andrew Garfield was cast.  Who the fuck is he?!  I watched Never Let Me Go out of curiosity and wasn’t impressed – if a guy can’t convincingly portray being in love with Carey Mulligan (because really, what guy isn’t?) then how the fuck is he going to pull off Spider-Man?  But alas, he won me over with The Social Network and a few guest appearances.  My official description of him is “adorable” – not sure if that’s going to help him with this role, but I am interested enough to find out. 


8. Savages 7/6 – Oliver Stone describes the film as a “full-blown epic story of greed, violence, the border, the drugs, the relationships, the values of people”.  That’s a whole lot of story for one film but it is Oliver Stone…right?  I haven’t really liked his past 4 films, so hopefully this film can break the pattern. 


9. Ted 7/13 – I enjoy Mark Wahlberg in comedies (I Heart Huckabees, The Other Guys, The Happening…).  He is one of the few actors that can successfully pull off very different genres (and yes, he has had some major missteps).  I purposely did not watch the trailer for this film yet, because I know that they probably show the funniest shit in the trailer and that makes me very angry.  From what I’ve heard, it is very funny and outrageous.  There’s really not a lot of comedies on the agenda for this summer – at least ones that don’t make me want to vomit (What to Expect When You’re Expecting, That’s My Boy, Neighborhood Watch), so that leaves a lot of pressure on this one. 


10. The Dark Knight Rises 7/20 – How fitting that my most anticipated film of the year comes out on the BEST weekend of the year (my birthday weekend of course)!  I was blown away by Batman Begins and, aside from the length, The Dark Knight, was perfection (and the length thing is just a personal issue I have with films that are over 2 hours long that I am trying to get over….slowly).  If Christopher Nolan pulls this off (which from everything I’ve seen – he does), then this will be one of the very few trilogies in which I adore all 3 films (the only other one that I can think of is The Bourne Trilogy). 


11. Ruby Sparks 7/25 – I’m a sucker for films about writers, and this one has a really beautiful concept.  I just hope it doesn’t get overly cheesy with the romantic stuff. 


12. The Bourne Legacy 8/3 – Speaking of The Bourne Trilogy…..what the fuck?!  This was another film that angered me when I heard it was being developed.  Completely unnecessary.  Then, they cast Jeremy Renner and suddenly, I AM THERE.  I love him more and more with every film that he does.  It started with S.W.A.T  (a terrible movie, but I have watched it more times that I will ever admit to – for him and of course Colin Farrell), then got stronger with 28 Days Later and now I am officially head over heels after The Hurt Locker and The Town.  I appreciate that this film revolves around a “parallel story” to the Bourne story  instead of a re-boot, allowing for Matt Damon to return as Jason Bourne if he so chooses (I actually think they should just leave well enough alone…but I don’t think that is ever an option anymore).  However, I am nervous that Paul Greengrass is not directing because he made 3 incredible action films - I just can't see The Bourne Legacy having the same impact without him.


13. Total Recall 8/3 – I’ve never seen the original.  OOOPSIES!  I will correct that soon, hopefully, before I watch this one.  In all honesty, I just want to see it for Colin Farrell.  He’s sexy, no doubt, but I often have to argue with people that he is actually a great actor (Tigerland. Watch it. ). 

Thoughts on 4 Films

1. Carnage - I think I would probably prefer to watch the play God of Carnage over this film. It wasn't bad, but I think it would have been more effective on stage with live performances. The acting was impeccable, although the characters were a little one dimensional. The plot was a little simplistic, but relevant to today's "bully" issues - taken from the perspective of the parents. It's basically the parents of the "victim" confronting the parents of the "bully" about their parenting skills. At first, everyone is polite and pleasant but as the film progresses the characters are confined to a small space (for no apparent reason) and everything begins to break - true personalities begin to shine through and it isn't pretty (although it isn't as explosive as it pretends to be - we can tell that these characters are "faking it" from the beginning). The dialogue feels a little forced and the overall film is pretty shallow.



2. The Rum Diary - I read the book quite a while ago, I remember enjoying it but I don't remember much about it. The film was not enjoyable at all, it was actually quite boring. There wasn't much of a plot to speak of and Johnny Depp was uncharacteristically lifeless. The best part of the film is Amber Heard. I can't tell if she is actually a good actress or not - all I know is that every time she appeared in the film, my eyes were glued to the screen. Damn, she is sexy.





3. Like Crazy - I had heard really good things about this film, but I don't really agree with any of it. Reviewers described it as a refreshing take on a passionate and genuine love affair, but I would argue that the poster image is much more passionate than the actual film. The biggest mistake is that the narrative of the film jumps forward, cutting out the most important parts. I kept wondering what happened in between the two scenes and that was frustrating. I felt like the stuff that happened outside of what we see is probably the more interesting story. My heart did stop when they went to Catalina Island, one of my favorite places in the entire world - I hope it doesn't get infested with hipsters now. The big lesson of the film to be learned is: Do not fall for someone who lives in another country. It may be too late for me, save yourself!!


4. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - I didn’t really like the original, and I like Fincher’s version even less. Aside from the music and the opening credits, it’s not really worth watching. It’s about an hour too long, the plot is drawn out (especially if you already know it) and the actual mystery being solved isn’t all that interesting. So, here is where I begin to vent (*Spoilery*). I have severe issues with the character of Lisbeth. It all started with an article in Entertainment Weekly, written by Libby Gleman-Waxner called “Girl Talk”, where she states that she wants her teenage daughter to look up to Lisbeth and not to those HelloGiggles girls, specifically, Zooey Deshanel. Sure, there are a lot of great qualities to be found in Lisbeth – she is smart, independent, brave, and sure, Zooey Deshanel annoys the fuck out of me. However, I can’t fault the girl for trying to bring a little positive energy into this world. She is still someone who is smart, independent and brave but she is also something called happy and NICE. Why wouldn’t you want your daughter to look up to her? In high school, I was voted “Most Likely to Brighten Your Day” which 10 years later (ok…maybe more than that…) is rather laughable to think about. The world has torn me down and that angers me. I strive everyday to be like the girl that I once was and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. When I am near young girls, I put a smile on my face and pretend like the world is a magical place. I do not want the next generation of girls to be cold, emotionally damaged and closed-off. Why would any mother want this for their own child? This brings me to my next point, Lisbeth as a victim. Let’s be honest, most women have had bad things happen to them at the hands of a man (I hope this isn’t shocking to you) and of course, it is always satisfying when a woman exacts revenge. The way she got this revenge was just way too unrealistic for it to be taken seriously. The obvious flaw in the plot is in fact her size – she can’t weigh more than 90lbs, there is no way she could drag that fairly large man down the hall. In reality, this girl would have ended up at the bottom of a river somewhere. I think this is probably where I would fault the casting – although I think Rooney Mara did a decent job, she is sooo tiny and frail, unless she has some secret martial arts skills, I find it hard to believe her in this role. Also, the fact that she willingly went to his place and taped her own rape is problematic – he could easily go to the police himself and claim she is batshit crazy (which she is already legally found to be not of sound mind) and wanted to act out some crazy rape fantasy and now she is using it to blackmail him. Anyway, my point is that as satisfying as this revenge is – I would hate to encourage it. Going back to the “Girl Talk” article, the writer claims Lisbeth embodies “modern womanhood” because she “takes satisfyingly violent revenge against male criminals,” which is rather disturbing. Is that really what we want as “modern women”? My final complaint about Lisbeth is that she perpetuates the stereotype that lesbian’s are just really girls who have “daddy issues” – all they really need is a good dick to "straighten" them right out. I’m assuming that she is supposed to be seen as bisexual, but that was never really proven. What we are left with (in Fincher’s version) is a very straight girl pining away for the one guy that actually treated her nicely, so the audience can sigh and say “poor Lisbeth,” which really just defeats the entire purpose of her character. Alright, I am done venting. For now.

Thoughts on 4 Films

1. Melancholia - The more I think about this film, the more I fall in love with it (and the more I want to see it again). The film is seperated into two parts - part one focuses on Justine (Kirsten Dunst) celebrating her marriage with an elaborate party and I admit it was a bit tedious to sit through (I can barely make it through a real-life wedding between people I actually care about). It takes a lot of patience but it turns into a really beautiful film about depression, destruction, life and death and the insignificance of it all. I can see the comparisons to Another Earth only because it captures the "smaller" human tale within the "larger" planetary one, but it defers greatly in the actual story - in this film, a planet called Melancholia is on a path to possibly collide with Earth. It really starts to picks up with the second part that focuses on Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg - who deserved much more credit than Dunst in my opinion, but I could be biased as she is a favorite actress of mine) and her struggle to take care of Justine, who is basically paralyzed by depression. The way the ending keeps building up, as Melancholia gets closer to Earth is breathtaking. I've really never liked a Lars von Trier film - in my opinion, he is the captain of pretentious filmmakers. I was really expecting to rip this film apart but I simply can't. I watched it a few weeks ago and I still find myself thinking about it. "I smile, and I smile, and I smile".


2. The Skin I Live In - Fucking bizarre and disturbing film and I totally loved it. It was definitely an advantage that I avoided reading or seeing anything about the film. I prefer to watch a film without any preconceived notion of it, but I find that increasingly harder to do these days. The narrative of the film was absolute perfection - for the first 1/2 of the film I had absolutely no idea how it would all connect but I was still interested enough to watch every second of it. Once that connection happens, it is transcendent. Easily added to my favorite films of 2011 (which needs a major overhaul since I would also add Melancholia) and definitely my favorite Almodovar film (which is saying a lot because I love all of his work).

3. Footloose - I was never a big fan of the original, so I knew I would probably be even less of a fan of the remake. I was right - it is beyond stupid on so many levels. First, the premise is the same as the original (which was stupid as well) - after a tragic accident, a group of conservatives in a small town create a law where it is illegal to dance in public spaces. The problem is that the accident had nothing to do with dancing, instead it had to do with blatant reckless driving - if they wanted to make a "town law" then wouldn't it make more sense to limit the amount of dumb-ass teenagers allowed in one car? Second, the main female character, Ariel, is a fucking bitch and one of the least likeable teenage characters I've seen in a while - she calls other girls "hussies", then literally one minute later she begins to dance around purposely trying to gain as much male attention as possible (and by "dance", I mean that she basically fucks a pole). Third, I was actually really surprised that Kenny Wormald was from Boston because his accent was atrocious (was he just trying too hard?). He is also a terrible actor - his "you don't know me" breakdown scene was hard to sit through with a straight face. Last, there were these weird and violent fight scenes interspersed through out the film and then forgotten about - the one where a girl hits a guy over the head with a glass bottle and then leaves was actually quite funny, but the end brawl that was then followed by a dance sequence was really frustrating.

4. Hugo - I watched this almost a month ago, but I hesitated writing about it because I thought that maybe I should watch it again before making my final decision of the film. However, after giving it some thought, I decided that I just don't like it. Done and Done. I actually fell asleep while watching it, which is something that never happens to me - I purposely do not have a television in my bedroom because I would never sleep. I did watch the film in it's entirety (after I woke up) and it was mind-boggling how boring it actually is. It was a beautiful film, visually and technically impressive, but once it starts to lay down the "history of film" storyline, my mind started to wander. Obviously, I am interested in the history of film ( I double majored in Cinema Studies and Drama Studies in College) but the problem with the film is that the history is very uninspiring - meaning that anyone with even the most basic passion for film already knows everything that the film tells us, so the point is sort of lost.

Friends With Kids: 2 Reasons to Watch it; 2 Reasons to Skip it

Reasons to watch:

1. The Cast - Sure, the Bridesmaids reunion element to the casting could be considered distracting but Jon Hamm, Chris O’Dowd, Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig have an unbelievable chemistry between them that it doesn't really matter. Add in one of my favorite people ever, Adam Scott, and you have yourself an amazing fucking cast. Ironically, the weakest link was Jennifer Westfeldt (who wrote and directed the film). She was just so bland in comparison to her costars – none were given much depth, but I still felt like I knew who everyone was. Her character, Julia, was sort of a judgemental bitch (and I don't think that was on purpose). I also loved the appearance of Megan Fox and Ed Burns, both were typecasted but they played their roles to perfection.

2. The Idea - The idea of having kids with a best friend has been spinning in my head for years now. The “normal” idea of falling in love, getting married, having kids just seems silly to me. People fall in and out of love so easily, they stay in marriages “for the kids” and just live miserably for no reason. This way of life of life is obviously flawed and it's about time for an update. I loved the relationship between Julia and Jason because it was built out of love, laughter and honesty – what would be so wrong about bringing up a child in that environment? Seems pretty brilliant to me.

Reasons to skip:

1. The Dialogue - Sooo much fucking dialogue! I rarely like films like this – where they just TALK endlessly about their situation, debate back and forth and repeat (the only writer/director who does this well is Woody Allen). Some of it was amusing, some of it was heartfelt (like when Jason explained to the group all the reasons that he loved Julia - I actually teared up a bit) but it was mostly pretentious, narcissistic, exhausting and annoying.

2. The Ending - ****SPOILER**** The whole movie is ruined with the ending. The entire concept of the film is that these are 2 people who aren’t sexually attracted to each other….and then suddenly they are. It’s ridiculous.

3 Thoughts on Project X

1. Most of the film is pure, insane fun - There is a skeleton-thin plot, very little character development and absolutely ridiculous scenarios but I have to admit that it was really fun to watch. It moved rather quickly, had an extremely appealing soundtrack and I laughed out loud several times. If you just take the film at face value and join the party - you should have a good time.

2. The ending of the film was not - The party was bordering on dangerous but still really funny until the last part (you know when fires and riots started breaking out and endangering the lives of the surrounding neighbors - including the newborn baby across the street). The fact that there are no big consequences for anyone was just plain dumb and the part that annoyed me the most was that the kids father had a moment of pride in his son's ability to cause mayhem. I'm sorry to be the voice of reason, but if they live in a house like that in Pasadena (i.e a multi-million dollar home) - they obviously have money. People who have money, care about money - there is no way that his father would be so calm about losing everything.

3. People are fucking stupid - I was in complete shock when the film ended and people in the theater started clapping. It wasn't a film that was deserving of applause. It was completely unoriginal (some described it as Superbad on crack, which I think is insulting to Superbad - but they did flat out copy the 3 main characters and somehow made them not interesting at all). I feel bad for you if you think this was something to cheer for.

Thoughts on 5 Films

1. Take Shelter - Intense. Subtle. Quiet. Ambiguous. All the qualities of this film that I love. While the film relies heavily on Michael Shannon's performance (which is fantastic), it is aided by the fact that he is just fucking creepy. Ever since I saw Bug I can't look at him without shivers going up my arms. Take Shelter is actually very similar to Bug because it delves into a paranoid atmosphere where reality is blurred but instead of bugs there are apocalyptic type storms. Curtis (Shannon) is a man who is slowly and painfully unraveling, yet he is fully aware of what is happening to him. Even as his vivid dreams begin to cross-over into his reality the only concern he has is to protect his family. The heartbreaking part is that everything he does seems to make things worse. The only bad thing I can say about the film is that it is slightly predictable and I knew exactly how it would end.

2. Thor - The good: An epic adventure, superhero story with extremely fun battle scenes, some witty banter and a hot actress (I'm referring to Jaimie Alexander...sorry Natalie). The bad: The plot was adequate but hardly memorable. Thor is not really that interesting and Chris Hemsworth did a terrible job convincing me otherwise. I certainly don't think a sequel is necessary.

3. Something Borrowed - What can I say...I'm a bit of a masochist when it comes to watching some movies. I know they are going to be torture and I say: "bring it on". But seriously, I don't think I can properly make fun of a film until I have actually seen it - that is why I watch crap like this. Also, it has John Krasinski and he makes me smile. The film, however, is a horrendous depiction of female friendship that pretty much centers around lies and jealousy. I am never convinced that these 2 girls ever actually like each other - and not just because they are opposite personalities. Sure, it would totally suck to fall in love with the same guy but if they were actually friends they would have discussed if from the beginning. My best friend and I communicate things like this as to avoid messy situations (she gets Ryan Gosling, I get Ben McKenzie - see how easy that was?!! or wait...It might be the other way around. I forget now...). Anyway, Colin Egglesfield is a truly awful actor and his character was lazily written. I didn't root for any of them to get together in the end so the romance part of this romantic comedy failed miserably (and it wasn't funny either).

4. In Time - The beginning voice-over by Timberlake's character explains that in the world of this film "time" is now a form of currency and the more "time" you have the longer you will live (you stop aging when you hit 25) - there is no reason, no history, no science, which, to me, feels lazy. It is an interesting concept, but the film focused so much on being a negative critique of capitalism that it became painfully obvious as to how it would end. Timberlake did a decent job but I still think he should go back to music (or hosting SNL).

5. Dream House - Maybe if I didn't see the trailer, I would have enjoyed this film a little. I thought it was weird that they give away the twist in it, but assumed that there was probably another twist that would compensate...but there wasn't. Aside from that, the film itself was a bit of a mess - not sure if it was supposed to be a horror or a psychological drama but it wasn't either. There was nothing scary about it and everything was spelled out for the audience so any thinking is completely unnecessary.

Thoughts on 5 Films

1. What's Your Number? Um....5 (number of times this film made me want to vomit, of course). Granted, chick flicks aren't really my thing but I thought one with Anna Faris would at least be funny. The film is about a woman who reads an article in a Glamour/Cosmo/Marie Claire type magazine that states the average "number" (of sexual partners a woman has had) is 10.5 and that after she hits 20 she will most likely remain single (which apparently is a death sentence. Vomit). This causes Anna's character to panic because her number is already at 19. After a "sex in the city" style girls night out (Vomit.) with her very catty and judgemental "friends" (Vomit.) she decides that instead of looking for new guys, she will just have to find true love with an ex-boyfriend so that her number won't go up - totally makes sense...right? She recruits her neighbor across the hall (Chris Evans) to help her find her exes, in exchange she lets him use her apartment to avoid the endless parade of one-night stand girls that he leaves in his apartment (Vomit.). It is obvious from the very beginning that he is "the one", usually I have problems with films when "the one" is a complete ass who treats women like shit but he is actually represented as a pretty decent guy. And on a side-note: I think I might be the last girl on earth to realize this, but HOLY FUCK is Chris Evans hot. I don't know why but he always sort of bored me....I might be watching Captain America sooner than I expected. Anyway, my last complaint is for the paint-by-numbers ending. Why would you leave your sisters wedding to run around the city looking for someone that lives across the hall from you? Vomit.


2. Colombiana - I was so excited by the opening credits when the names Callum Blue (Dead Like Me) and Michael Vartan (Alias) appeared. How did I miss this?? It's a shame that both hot men were underutilized - I probably would have enjoyed the film more if they had more screen time. The film was a pretty simple story of revenge - a girl sets out to avenge the murder of her parents. I really enjoyed her "missions" - they were very Alias-like with some really beautiful action sequences but there were also some extreme plot holes that distracted me. I still can't decide whether I like Zoe Saldana or not - I wasn't fully convinced of her "badass-ness", some of those guns she was holding weigh more than she does (I am not taking a dig at skinny girls - I, myself, am stick-thin and it's not very badass. I promise).



3. Cowboys & Aliens - Awesome idea. Fucking terrible execution. My expectations were considerably lower after the film was released and it was universally panned, but it was still far worse than I expected. The tone and direction of the film was very misguided - this was supposed to be a summer "blockbuster" but it was far too serious, the characters were lifeless and the plot was pointless. Actually, was there a plot? I think I stopped paying attention after the first hour. I have problems with Harrison Ford - he is always the same misanthropic character with anger issues and it rarely works. Also, Olivia Wilde used to be hot (like in the greatest teen drama ever - The OC) but definitely not in this film (which would be fine...if she could actually act).



4. The Debt - Good film, not a great one. I like the way the narrative is set up, there is strong character development with solid acting performances and the pace and suspense are satisfying. My only real problem with the film is that the plot starts off really promising but ultimately ends in a very predictable nature. The story is of 3 Mossad secret agents sent to Berlin to track down a Nazi war criminal - when things don't go as planned they make a unified decision that comes back to haunt them 30 years later. I thought the way they showed the big "essential" scene twice in the film was amazing - the second time the entire scene feels so much different once we understand the context. The casting was problematic - very well done with Jessica Chastain and Helen Mirren as the younger and older Rachel, but really off with Sam Worthington and Ciaran Hinds as the younger and older David (who look absolutely nothing alike).



5. Shark Night - Predictable teen horror fare - not enough scares to be memorable (a total of zero....), the acting was atrocious (I still love Dustin Milligan though) and a plot barely existed (and didn't even make sense). However, there are pretty people with very little clothing and there are sharks that eat people. Also, there is a somewhat entertaining rap video after the credits. The end.

Thoughts on the Past 2 'Glee' Episodes

1. Yes/No

The proposal (not the “surprise” one) – Any fan of Glee knew that this was the big Will and Emma proposal episode. I, for one, miss Terri – sure she was a crazy shrew but she was far more entertaining than Will and Emma’s entire relationship so far. She would bring back some much needed humor to the show (instead of all this emotional garbage…). As the voice over intro for the episode states: Terri "pretended to be pregnant, she yelled a lot and she hated the Glee club”. Sounds awesome…right? Anyway, for some reason, Will needs the help of the Glee club to come up with an epic proposal (sure, that is an appropriate assignment for a high school Glee club) and they all give some pretty awful input. If anyone proposed to me with a 'Moves Like Jagger', I think I would stab them with something very sharp (like a knife…). Unfortunately, this song wasn’t that much worse than what he decided to go with - 'We Found Love' (you know that awful Rihanna song that plays on the radio every 10 minutes). Sam’s brilliant idea was to perform the song while the Glee club did a synchronized swimming routine. Not only did it have zero relevance to Will and Emma’s relationship, it was also super cheesy and ridiculous. The fact that Finn brought Rachel to the auditorium (where they had their first date) and made the proposal intimate and genuine kinda made Will look like a jackass. Right? Speaking of….

The big “twist” – I had read a lot about a big “twist” at the end of this episode that would be a “game changer” and I also read that Finn gets bad news from his mother. When I put 2 & 2 together (and noting that the episode preview showed Finn telling Will that he is considering going into the Army) – I assumed the big “twist” was that Finn’s father didn’t die and that the “game changer” would be that Finn wants to find him. I think this would have been a better twist than what we actually got. I was sort of right about his father except that he is actually dead but he died from a drug overdose instead of a “hero’s death”. The game changer is that Finn re-assess his life after this news and realizes that the only thing that he has that is “special” in his life is Rachel….so he proposes. First, we all know that Finchel is endgame so this doesn’t really come as a big surprise. Second, it doesn’t change anything about the show….like at all. Third, (I will leave my thoughts on marriage and how it should be de-legalized for another time) I certainly don’t think it is a good idea for someone who is struggling finding himself (which I think is related to his young age…but I don’t think “age” is really the issue because I actually don’t think it is as bad of an idea for Rachel (she has a strong personality, has a passion and not only knows who she is but who she wants to become). I really want Finn to have a passion for something and to find something he is good at (ahem….DRUMS….ahem…cough…cough) before he makes such a big commitment to someone (as I do for EVERYONE). That being said, Cory Monteith once again proved himself to be Glee’s most valued (and underrated) player. He seriously killed me in the scene with his mother because he didn’t overdo it – instead he internalized the pain of learning that his father was not the man he had imagined. It was really moving to watch and I know I pretty much repeat myself every time I write about Glee so I will stop (until the next time…of course).

The Highlights – Freakin’ Helen Mirren as Becky’s inner monologue was one of the most genius things Glee has ever done. As was Becky’s interest in Artie – I think it is a hard storyline to make work and they did a good job (and a heartbreaking one). Her entire monologue in the beginning was laugh out loud funny (like how she doesn’t want Mike because she is “no rice queen”). Sue was seriously amazing at the end trying to comfort her (“you and I are going to get through this together”). There were a lot of little moments in this episode that were done really well – like when the girls sing ‘The First Time I Saw Your Face’ and Rachel thinking of Finn walking down the hall with his football buddies and then HE LOOKS BACK AT HER! I literally screamed out “GUYS, HE LOOKED BACK!!” (I was talking to my cats of course). Sure, it was a nice nod to all the Finchel fans out there, but it was also a nice nod to anyone who is a true fan of the series. (side note: Did anyone else think it was interesting that Brittany didn’t sing with the girls? I think it is the creators hinting at the fact that Brittany is not in love with Santana – at least in the same way that Santana loves her). Anyway, I nearly died when Artie throws himself into the pool – I didn’t recover until after the proposal was over so I had to (unwillingly) rewind. I was a little nervous when I heard they cast a ‘Real Housewife’ – I only recognize her as the crazy person that was on Celebrity Apprentice but she was actually quite funny as the swim coach (with a bronze medal for “individual synchronized swimming” – hilarious). There were so many hilarious and heartbreaking lines it is hard to narrow down the best - but these are my favorite:

Well, Michael Chiklis in a wig… - Sue describing Coach Beiste

I’ve never seen lips like that on a white child…and one of your nipples is higher than the other. I bet you’ve had to overcome a lot with those crooked nipples. – Coach Roz to Sam

Just be grateful that Comrade Obama still allows Christmas – Emma’s father

I know that girl. That girl is a sly, conniving bitch. – Santana about Becky

Your dad was so much more than the last few months of his life. That man was not your father. – Carole’s response to Finn about why she lied (How I did not burst into tears is beyond me).

Well, here is a radical idea – why don’t you treat her like a real person and tell her. Becky just wants to be treated like everyone else….you of all people should know that. Why don’t you tell her the truth, so she can move on and maybe date someone else who doesn’t sound like one of those weird puppets they bring around to grade schools to teach kids about sexual predators. And for Gods sake…you need to go one day without the driving gloves…it’s a wheelchair, Artie, not a Porshe. – Sue’s advice to Artie about Becky

I just wanted to say that you blew that song out of the water and totally nailed the assignment. No…wait a sec…the assignment wasn’t to make everything about Rachel Berry and force everyone to watch…was it? – Santana after Rachel sings ‘Without You’

You’re like a beacon of light guiding me through the darkness - this big gold star- and for some bizarre reason…you chose to let me love you. – Finn proposing to Rachel

The Lowlights – Coach Beiste and Cooter eloping? I’m sorry but why on earth would we be happy about that when he treated her like garbage just a few episodes ago (started dating Sue without telling her, then flaunting their relationship in front of her)?? I’m also not really a big fan of any of the songs chosen (and there were way too many musical numbers). Of course, Lea seriously rocked ‘Without You’ but the song literally makes my ears bleed. The beginning number was cute with the whole Grease montage but also somehow really annoying – probably too much cheesiness for me to handle. Again ‘Moves Like Jagger’ is an awful song but I love Arties voice plus the 3 best male dancers showing their skills is never a bad thing (and Kevin McHale does an awesome job of imitating what Mick Jagger would look like in a wheel chair). I used to like Will as a character, but I hate that he has no outside life now (he even asks Finn to be his best man?!) – I would love for them to give him a little more dimension again. Plus how many times does Glee do the whole “you’ve taught me what it is to be a man” thing? I am also really annoyed at Burt for continuing to push Finn to take over his auto shop - I’m not knocking the fact that Burt is a hard-working guy with a respectable job but you should always have higher expectations for your (step)-children. If this actually happens then the entire series will be ruined for me.

2. Michael

The tribute to MJ – If I rated this episode solely on musical performances it would be one of my favorites. Let’s get down to business and grade the performances:

-‘Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’’ - Darren Criss owns this episode – too bad his Broadway appearance forced him to miss out on most of it. While I feel that many of the performers were trying very hard to impersonate MJ’s raspy, heavily-breathed voice, Criss just did his own thing and sounded absolutely fantastic. Plus, when they arrive in the auditorium in their MJ gear I totally wanted to get out of my cozy chair and dance along. (side note – I laughed out loud that Finn’s MJ gear was a bedazzled football jersey). A+

-‘Bad’ – While, I appreciate the whole underground parking lot MJ duel – the lighting was so dark, I was squinting my eyes trying to see it the whole time. The choreography was lost - I just saw a lot of white faces. Again, the idea was there but the execution was not. The Warblers sounded awesome though. B

-‘Scream’ – Holy Fucking Amazing scene - as was the scene prior to it setting up for the perfect “dream” sequence for Artie’s anger about always being picked on. I usually don’t like when Glee copies the music video’s for songs (ala the entire Britney episode) but this one worked so well because they made it relevant to the story. Plus, Artie and Mike Chang (looking sexy rockin’ the guy-liner) are unbelievably awesome. Probably one of my favorite Glee performances ever (with the other Artie-centric dream sequence ‘Safety Dance’ being another one). I smiled through it's entirety. A+

-‘Never Can Say Goodbye’ – First, hopefully this is the last time we hear Quinn sing. Second, this song is exactly the opposite of what she just told Rachel in the previous scene (she told her to say “goodbye” to Finn) which just irks me to death. Third, this was a nice end for her character - She sounded decent, she looked amazing and she gave a nice speech at the end about growing up and moving on. Last, goodbye Quinn and good fucking riddance. C

-‘Human Nature’ – Oh Samcedes, you guys are kinda cute. But the real highlight is Mercedes getting to do something other than belt out the last note. She has a really lovely voice and I think Glee ignores that quite often. Also, Mercedes is a much better duet partner for Sam than Quinn ever was. B

-‘Ben’ – The lowest point of the episode. The song is just ridiculously cheesy and slow and had zero relevance to the plot. The whole scene should have been cut….although we do get to see Blaine in an eye patch....so...yah. F

-‘Smooth Criminal’ – Does it matter who won the duel? With this much awesomeness we all won right? (AND Santana totally killed it). Accompanied by the sublime talent of 2Cellos – I was in awe. A

-‘I Just Can’t Stop Loving You’ – OOF. I admit I cringed in the beginning. The song is just way outside of Finn’s vocal range and I could feel him struggling. It did get much better once Rachel joined in and Finn dropped his voice to a more comfortable octave. I’m not really a fan of this song but it did make a good “proposal” song. I just wish they gave this couple a fun song to do (like ‘The Way You Make Me Feel’) because this one dragged on and slowed the episode down (not as much as ‘Ben’ did though). I do appreciate that they sing by the piano (which is an ode to the Madonna tribute episode). On a side-note: I weirdly enjoy the song more when I listen to it instead of watching it. Cory actually sounds good (and as Rollingstone.com notes he “holds his own against Rachel/Lea vocally” – which is a HUGE compliment) it is just hard to watch because the voice doesn’t match Finn – I’m pretty sure that doesn’t make any sense….anyway…. C+

-‘Black and White’ – Um…relevance? I don’t get it. Still totally awesome. Artie Rapping? Double awesome (as was Sebastian’s snicker – he was totally thinking 'is this seriously happening'?? -which is exactly what I was thinking at the face morphing part). B-

The plot developments – This episode sort of felt like the beginning of the end for some characters. We learn that Quinn got into Harvard and that Kurt is a “finalist” for NYADA (whatever that means). Rachel seethes with jealousy about her friends moving on which is super annoying (Lea Michele did a fantastic job though). When she breaks down in the hallway (instead of congratulating her best friend), I wanted to scream (and please tell me these kids have a thing called a “back-up plan” right? Rachel claims to have “nothing” if she doesn’t get into NYADA but she DID apply to other schools... right?). Anyway, her panic influences her decision about Finn’s proposal – she says “yes” despite Quinn’s harsh advice that if she truly wants to accomplish her dreams she has to let Finn go. While I agree with some of her advice, I don’t necessarily think Quinn had Rachel’s best interest at heart – I think Quinn is extremely jealous that Rachel has someone that loves her (after all, the three guys that she dated - Finn, Sam and Puck – all know her for what she is: bat-shit crazy). If what Finn said is true (that he will go to NY with her) and if she gets into NYADA then she really will “have it all” which does happen (at least on tv shows) so it makes sense for her to say “yes”. I still have problems with Finn’s proposal to begin with – I feel like he is sort of grasping at straws hoping that his relationship with Rachel will keep him happy and it is never a good idea to rely on someone else to make you happy. Come on Glee writers – give him something to be passionate about besides Rachel! (Let me spell it out for you: D-R-U-M-S). Also I am loving Sebastian as the new Glee club enemy - it is smart of them to give the Glee club a new nemesis because it was getting exhausting watching Sue do it all by herself. Plus, Sebastian is HOT. The end.

The highlights – aside from most of the performances, I don’t really have a lot of great things to say. Santana had some solid lines (like calling Sebastian “Andrew McCarthy”) and Brittany not knowing how to lock a door made me laugh out loud….but yah it was all about the MJ awesomeness. I know I go on and on about how great Cory Monteith is as an actor – so this time I will just leave you with someone else’s comment on his acting skills:

“I love Cory Monteith on #Glee tonight. He is so real”. - Rita Wilson (via Twitter)

The lowlights – The absence of Tina in the end performance? Did they think we wouldn’t notice?