2. The Lost World: Jurassic Park - It's WILD to me that Jurassic Park is the one of the greatest films ever, but every single sequel has been shit (I have some love for Jurassic World, but it still doesn't compare). I think I actually blocked both of the original sequels out of my mind, because rewatching them felt brand new to me. I know I watched them both (and I'm pretty sure I watched them both in a theater - and was severely disappointed). Meanwhile, my husband could recite the whole thing to me and he's fairly certain he hasn't seen it since he was like 12. I hate having such a bad memory. I was hoping that I was just too hard on them, and that maybe with this rewatch, I would find some positives, but NOPE - both The Lost World and III are absolute GARBAGE! This one is worse, though. I think the biggest mistake is how annoying all of the characters are. I love Jeff Goldblum in the first one, but Malcolm is so fucking annoying in this - I almost wouldn't have minded if he was eaten by a dino! Ditto for Julianne Moore's character. And Vince Vaughn as a tough guy??? LOL. It's also very boring. And the action scenes are just plain bad - it's like watching the Wild Wild West stunt show at Universal Studios (that's not a dig at those performers - the show is great, but it's over done for a live audience. A film should be smoother and more sophisticated than that). A lot of it is dumb (like, I don't think a gymnastic swing from an 11 year old would knock a DINOSAUR on its ass). And I thought the dumb stuff in the new movies - like bringing the dinosaurs into the states was a *new* mistake (because, again, I don't remember the plot of these sequels at all), but apparently it started with this one! So stupid. And the T-Rex ATE THE DOG?! WHAT THE FUCK?!
3. Jurassic Park III - Okay, so this is not quite as bad as The Lost World, but it's still pretty bad. There's ONE good scene (the pterodactyl scene). I like that they bring back Grant, but it only works if they brought back Ellie (for more than one scene). I know there is a backlash against Ellie becoming a housewife - and that they aren't together. But I think it makes perfect sense for her character. She clearly wants to be a mom in the first one, and it doesn't make her any less of a strong female character for wanting that (people are so fucking weird about women wanting to be moms, and this is coming from someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want them). I used to be a big fan of Tea Leoni, mostly because of Bad Boys (they definitely missed a trick by not including her in any of the sequels). But she's bad in this, and again, her character and her husband (played by William H. Macy) are fucking grating. I wanted them both to die. I feel like this one has slightly more intensity than the second, but it's still just...blah. I was bored, and I shouldn't be bored by dinosaurs eating people. And I shouldn't be rooting for the dinosaurs.
4. Jurassic World - I actually really liked this movie on first watch, and I still enjoyed it on a second watch. It's FUN! I like that it has the same beats as the original, but it goes further into new territory with new characters. It's kind of crazy to me that this came out almost 10 years ago??! It still feels so new (but they are already rebooting this series with ALL NEW characters! Time flies, for real). I think I appreciate this even more after watching the original sequels because this is honestly so good compared to them. Also, I like Chris Pratt - I don't care what anyone says. He seems like a good dude, but people vilify him because he's...religious? And yet, Tom Cruise gets to be the biggest action star in the world and nobody says a thing? It doesn't make any sense to me. The rest of the cast is great - Bryce is wearing me down. I like her, for the most part, in these movies, and I loved her in Argylle. Also, I didn't realize that one of the kids was Nick Robinson?! I love him! And some great supporting characters - Judy Greer, Jake Johnson, Lauren Lapkus, AND OMAR SY!! (I didn't remember him in this AT ALL!!). Also, BD Wong makes an appearance (fun fact: he's in the most Jurassic movies - a total of 4). I really like seeing a working Jurassic Park/World that runs like any other amusement park. Some of the new technology is cool - like the globe car things! SO COOL! Plus, there's a few really memorable scenes, like the Jimmy Buffett cameo with him grabbing his margaritas before running (haha!), and the assistant woman's death is so fucking funny. Also, I love when Pratt says "it's part raptor" and then the raptors turn back and look at him. It's chilling. I also like that they give a little more substance to the dinosaurs, with Pratt training the raptors (I love Blue so much!!!). Overall, I just think they got everything right - it's never going to be as good as the original, but this is a great reboot. It's too bad that the sequels follow the same fate as the original trilogy.
5. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - Weird that the second one in both Park and World are the worst ones. You would think that the creators learned their lesson form The Lost World, but NOPE. They make almost the same identical mistakes. I can't even think of anything nice to say about it except that it's nice to see Jeff Goldblum, but he should have had a bigger role. And, again, I love Blue - literally the only one I care about by the end of this. The plot is absolutely RIDICULOUS with the whole volcano on the island and trying to save the dinosaurs. How exactly are they going to do that? It's asinine. And the ending is even less interesting knowing that they already did the whole dinosaurs in the city thing with the original trilogy. I was so bored that I stopped paying attention - I almost missed my favorite dumbest scene in film history - a thousand pound dinosaur walking on top of a glass roof. I realize now that the dinosaur *figures out* that it's glass and that it breaks, so he walks on the support beams because that would totally work. It's somehow actually even stupider than I remember! Also, I hate Justice Smith.
6. Jurassic World: Dominion - Okay, so I didn't actually rewatch this one, but I did try to. Before doing this marathon, I looked to see if all the movies were streaming and THEY WERE. And then, as I got to Dominion, a new month started and it DISAPPEARED and made me FURIOUS. This is why I miss Netflix discs (*sobs forever*). I waited until a new month to see if it would reappear on a streaming service, but no such luck. But it only came out a few years ago, and I actually DO remember it! I rated it 2.5 stars, and I think considering my other rewatches, that seems fair. It's slightly better than all the other sequels. They brought a little bit of the nostalgia back with the original characters, and nobody is super grating like in all the other sequels (oh wait...I think the pilot lady pissed me off? I can't remember now...). Anyway, I'm very disappointed, overall with this marathon - again, it's so crazy to me how brilliant the first movie is and how awful most of the sequels are. I do look forward to another reboot, though - only because the cast is great! Jonathan Bailey and Mahershala Ali?! YES! I'm not always the biggest fan of Scarlett, but she's usually in very successful blockbuster franchises. Bring it on!
Ranking:
Jurassic Park
Jurassic World
Jurassic World: Dominion
Jurassic Park III
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
The Lost World: Jurassic Park
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