Thoughts on 5 Films

1. X-Men: Dark Phoenix - Wow. It's hard to believe how terrible this movie is, really. First, I had no idea that this was a full-on X-Men movie. I thought it was more of a spin-off and that a few of the X-Men characters would obviously appear. But some pretty important things happen for the X-Men universe - including a main character's death (and may I say, good-fuckin'-riddance!). I understand that everyone featured are all contractually obligated to appear in these movies, but why the fuck did Jessica Chastain sign on for this trash? It was a huge heartbreak to see her and James McAvoy together (big fan of The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby...), but it was even more heartbreaking to watch actual good actors try to make this movie watchable. It's not. Sophie Turner was a big casting mistake. She's not a good actress, and it's way too early in her career for her to carry a big franchise film like this. She was tolerable on Game of Thrones because the cast is so massive, and honestly, most of the actors on that show were terrible, with the exception of Lena Headey and Peter Dinklage. She just looks bored for most of this movie. Also, her eye makeup is so distracting. It's crazy that there are actual critics that didn't list this in their "worst of the year" lists but did include movies like Rocketman and "the last half hour of Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood" (LOL WTF...how does this person have a job?). Speaking of...

2. Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood - For a Tarantino movie with DiCaprio, Pitt and Margot Robbie, my expectations were impossibly high, and unfortunately they weren't quite met. However, I did like this movie - just not to the degree that I wanted to. It probably lies somewhere in the middle of my Tarantino ranking. Without thinking too hard - my list looks like this (Best to Worst): Reservoir Dogs, Django Unchained, Inglourious Basterds, Once Upon a Time..., Jackie Brown, Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill Vol 1, Kill Bill Vol 2, The Hateful Eight. There are few things happening in this movie that I would describe as "masterful", but overall, I think it becomes a little self-indulgent (EDITING IS IMPORTANT PEOPLE!). I also think that if it didn't have the ending that it has, then I probably would have ranked it towards the bottom. I don't think I've ever been this caught off guard by an ending of a film in my entire life (ok, maybe the last few seconds of Enemy). In retrospect, it does give the ending away in the title, but you don't really realize that until it's over. I was actually bracing myself for a more typical, massively violent, brutal ending (which we ultimately did get, while also defying expectations in every way possible). I mean, I almost feel like it should come with a reverse trigger warning (as in, don't worry, you won't see a pregnant woman brutally murdered), because maybe people who are avoiding it because of this, might actually watch it. Although, I'm glad that I avoided all of the discourse surrounding it, because as soon as I saw all of the "Quentin is a misogynist" headlines, I had to avoid it all so my head didn't explode (and FYI just because a film only has minor female characters with little dialogue doesn't mean its misogynistic, fucking asshats). The movie isn't about Sharon Tate, just like it's not about Charles Manson. It's about a fictional actor, Rick Dalton, and his stunt double, Cliff Booth. And let me tell you, Leo and Brad are a revelation together. I would love to say a career best, but that's so hard to gauge because they are almost always incredible. Leo will always be a favorite of mine (I was a die-hard Titanic fan girl - posters on my wall and everything), and he just keeps getting better and better.

3. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword - Similar to the Robin Hood remake that came out last year, an "updated", "cooler", take on a classic story. And just like the Robin Hood remake, there are two very hot guys (Jude Law and Charlie Hunnam - not quite as hot as Taron Egerton and the guy from The Fall, though). First, I'm super confused by the non-existent age difference? Like, how is Jude Law there when Arthur is a baby and then 20 years later he still looks the same while Arthur is an adult? They are only like 8 years apart in real life (I'm totally guessing, but I think Hunnam is my age and Jude Law is mid-40s). I was so confused by the time jump because of this. Anyway, I've always been a big fan of Guy Ritchie. Snatch is still one of my favorite movies of all-time. I wish he would go back to making original content though. The Sherlock movies were mostly mind-numbing, and this movie felt very similar. Oh also, Eric Bana is in this! He's hot, too. And on a side-note, a few months ago I took a few of my employees out for lunch at our local diner and Eric Bana was there. I told my employees they were not allowed to engage with him and they are still mad at me for it (dude was just trying to eat lunch!). He looked good in real life; not my type, but a very handsome man. I don't really have much else to say about this movie. Seems like a big waste of time for everyone involved (and a huge waste of money!).

4. Midsommar - I read the hype, but I didn't believe the hype. I enjoyed Hereditary, but the ending really ruined the film as a whole (still that scene will go down in the History books). I'm glad that I held back expectations, because overall I enjoyed this. The beginning is really strong, and heartbreaking, and that primal scream that Florence Pugh belts out is gut-wrenching. I think I have certain problems with the story - because I think we are supposed to root for her? And believe that her boyfriend is an asshole? At least, that's what film critics think. I don't think he's an amazing guy or anything, and clearly doesn't have a high level of maturity, but she seems incredibly clingy right from the beginning. And if your boyfriend isn't giving you the support you need, then break up with him? Instead she forces herself in the middle of him and his friends, and tags along on their vacation that she is clearly not wanted at, and then sulks because her boyfriend isn't who she wants him to be. Sorry, but that's on her. Also, where is the rest of her support system - like, her own family/friends? Why is she putting so much pressure on him as her "only" support? Anyway, if I ignore the problematic plot, it's enjoyable. There are some really stunningly disturbing moments (I screamed when that scene happened). The ending is really OTT, similar to Hereditary, but it worked for me here because the whole thing seemed a little ridiculous, and you could tell that it was preparing for bat-shit crazy territory early on in the film.

5. The Irishman - Nope, sorry guys, this movie just isn't for me. I have to side with the naysayers, on this one - it's waaaaay too long and wayyyyy too boring. There's obviously moments of brilliance, and phenomenal acting as expected, but it was hard for me to enjoy what I was watching when all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Nothing about it is really original or new - just kind of an extended universe of the typical mobster movie (just slower, and more character-driven). In a way, I appreciate the way they subvert expectations for this type of movie, and de-glorify the aspects of being a gangster. It's also interesting to read about the real history behind it. It's based on a perspective about the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa that apparently has been debunked? So, it's not actually true? But nobody really knows. And again, the discourse around the female character is fucking grating. The movie ISN'T ABOUT HER, it's about his version of how he thinks his daughter sees him. Also, why would anyone want to give Anna Paquin more lines? She struggles with dialogue. so the least amount of words that come out of her mouth, the better (sorry, not sorry). Ultimately, this movie is a well-made movie - and currently in my Top 10, but it's also just really fucking dull. The only other thing I have to say is that the de-aging thing is such a nightmare for film-making and it needs to end now.